Love and the Courage to Grow - or ReBuild

On the heels of the article about bullying - and images of hate and unhappiness in homes, schools, camps, police stations everywhere and countless other places - comes this week's article about love. Love and the courage to grow.

Facing your past is not easy. It requires great courage.

But the rewards are great. Freedom. Confidence. Trust - trust in others because of trust in yourself.

This man, Tupac Shakur, who is a shining hero for so many of our youth, had the courage to face his own past and to try and help others who were walking in his shoes. His beautiful book of rap poetry The Rose That Grew From Concrete is well worth a read.

The following poem is an example of the amazing goodies that arrive in email inboxes sometimes! Check it out...

Loved…

The path to healing is one which leads into discomfort

There is no easy way to open old wounds without allowing them to bleed

And pain is so often the price of awareness, wisdom and love

Warriors may choose to walk alone - experiencing life’s dramas with power and fortitude

Crying in silence and dying in isolation

They become the heroes – the glorified

But rarely the loved

Love comes in sharing, watching, feeling and allowing my pain to mix with yours

It is in these shared experiences I find my strength to face life’s dramas with faith and confidence

For I am not alone

Your tears have become my strength, my courage to let go of my own

I treasure the tears we have share just as I treasure our joy

It leads me down my path less afraid to bleed

Taking the steps to healing – not dying in isolation

No hero

Worn and torn and LOVED!

Put a Stop to Bullying

Recently I've been reminded again recently of how commonplace bullying is. After all bullying is just taking advantage - and using whatever we need to do that - to get our own way. And as humans are naturally motivated to fulfill their own needs and urges, it's not too much of a stretch to see how bullying can sneak in...

There is so much bullying around us: kids who bully other kids at school; a parent who bullies the other parent - which their kids see and learn and often feel the brunt of; parents who bully children and kids who bully their parents; teachers who bully students; employers bullying employees; POLICE BULLYING teenagers. The list is almost endless. Put an end to hate and refuse to stand by and watch a bully abuse others - anywhere... Even if it's 'not your concern' gently and quietly take a stand and witness fairness and justice. Bullies shy away from an audience...

This week, among several other kinds of abuse, I heard a sad - and very, very familiar - story about police bullying. I can imagine the frustrations involved in policing young folk, particularly young guys. But please, Mr Policeman, you were a young person too once. If we can show respect, compassion - and of course justice - to our youth, society will reap the benefits in spades when these young people become adults.

And now the article:

Bullying. Recognizing it is the first step...
-the first of many articles by my mother and I!!

If there is anything about us that is 'different' - or sometimes just ‘new' - there's a good chance that someone will find that reason enough to bully and tease. Particularly if that potential bully is insecure, deep down, themselves...

Of course the disabled - and particularly the newly disabled - can be ripe targets of bullying. They are often dependent and/or young and/or particularly trusting. I was intrigued when I read this article from a very special woman in her seventh decade, reflecting on a subject that has touched her life - and in turn has touched so many lives. I admire her being willing to share her experiences with us all and have the hope that somehow her story will help all of us become a little more aware of this insidious behaviour. If you know of someone who is suffering bullying, please get help - call your local police, child help line or local social services. When the bullying has physically stopped, let a COUNSELLOR show you how to heal the emotional damage...

This is what my very special guest has to say...

"Sadly, many of us go have to go through a form of bullying it seems just to survive our daily lives. It can even start in school when we are very young - and how hurtful it can be. It can make a person reluctant to make decisions in the future for fear that they may be made to look silly or maybe come up against another bully. As I know only too well... A lifetime of hurt and baggage before we even graduate childhood.

Bullying within a marriage is completely unforgivable - because the bully is someone you've given your heart to. In fact sometimes a young person or even a small child can also experience that kind of behaviour from parents or siblings at home... The very people and place we need more than anything to be our safe haven.

Unfortunately, there are deep undercurrents of patterns at work here. Someone who is the victim of bullying as a child may, despite promising themselves that they would never bully anyone, end up an unwitting bully. And so the pattern continues. One fairly sure way of breaking this chain is through education and self-development through counselling. Very powerful...

Wherever bullying takes place, particularly if the bully is someone we have given our love and trust to, the victim loses their self-confidence. They have no idea what the day will bring - sometimes a good day but always the doubt that maybe this day they will be punished either physically or mentally. So never quite sure what the day will bring for them and never being able to enjoy the feeling of ease, safety and peace - which I wish with all my heart for everyone.

Sometimes victims feel that everything is his/her fault. They will even make excuses for the bully. With adult victims friends and family might try to persuade them that this bullying behaviour must not be allowed to continue but often the victim cannot see, stand up to or change the bullying. After a while the victim becomes unable to make normal every day decisions for fear of making a mistake which will 'rock the boat'. I've often heard this feeling described as ‘walking on eggshells' - a horrible way to live a life. For me, freedom of speech is one of the most basic Human Rights and yet so many of us don't really enjoy it.

Getting away from a situation like this is not easy, especially when there are children involved. Emotionally it's very likely that you've become unsure about exactly what's happening and where ‘right' begins and ‘wrong' ends. Physically you may be dependent on the bully for your daily life - most bullies can also be very loving and generous - when they choose. And of course the ‘weaker' among us - typically the disabled, sick, elderly and children - are especially at risk of becoming a victim.

Abuse and bullying are slowly becoming more the focus of attention - for which I am so thankful. I hope that one day they will be regarded as seriously as drug addiction or alcoholism. As a society we need to put in place more - and more acceptable - alternatives for our care so that we aren't so dependent on these bullies. The sooner the victims are released from these unbearable situations, the better. A leopard cannot change its spots - unless it really wants to and is willing to work hard on self-development with a counsellor or other health professional.

More often than not, these rotten situations get worse, not better."

Anonymous...

Of course these bullies were almost always the victims of other bullies themselves at some point in their lives. That's the rub... And the tragic pattern. They desperately need society to take a stand and help them to overcome their own pasts and at the same time to help their victims... Who they often love. And who, at the very least, are those of us who are for some reason dependent on them.

I challenge our society to provide a real alternative in the way of income, social supports and the opportunity for the most disabled among us to work, take a real part in life and to be able to contribute our skills and so rise above this sad behaviour... And above all, today, I challenge the police to root out bullying from within their ranks and to show decent and fair treatment to everyone they come in contact with.

If you have a comment, opinion or story, we would love to read and share it... Either with your name or anonymously.

With love, Julie

The Silent Revolution

Spring is round the corner! My good friend Marilyn and I have just put together a grant with amazing potential - and planted a tiny garden with daffodils, together with sweet smelling lillies and colourful tulips and pansies. Time is flying by - as usual... Although, to be honest, I wouldn't have it any other way. I feel as though I have spent so many years 'on hold' and now I am better, I have to run fast to catch up. Today I sang with my choir - I am so proud to be a part of them. I will wrestle with technology and aim to put a video or audio clip on my blog (I might have done it...). Our choir is One Human Family and our aim is social justice... Through music and one song at a time. I am also deepening my understanding of counselling with Mahmud Nestman and Trust Oriented Therapy - and someone very special sent me this writing... Which seemed to sum up so much. I hope you enjoy it:

THE SILENT REVOLUTION
-anonymous

On the surface of the world - right now - there is war and violence and things seem dark.

Loved ones hurt us with harsh words and unacceptance. Society can be a cold place for anyone who's 'different' in any way

But calmly and quietly, at the same time, hearts are opening underground.

An inner revolution is taking place and the lucky among us are being called to a higher light.

It is a silent revolution. Changing us from within - from the inside out. From the ground up.

A Global operation. A Spiritual Conspiracy.

There are sleeper cells in every person - and every nation - on the planet. You won't see us on T.V.

You won't read about us in the newspaper and you won't hear about us on radio.

We don't seek any glory. We don't usually wear uniform. We come in all shapes and sizes, colors and styles.

Most of us work anonymously. We are quietly working behind the scenes in every country and culture of the world.

In families, communities, cities big and small, mountains and valleys, in farms and villages, tribes and remote islands.

You could pass us on the street and not even notice. We go undercover. We remain behind the scenes.

It is of no concern to us who takes the final credit - simply that the work gets done.

Some call us the Conscious Army...

We are slowly creating a new world with the power of our minds and hearts

We are dropping soft, secret love bombs when no one is looking: Poems ~ Hugs ~ Music ~ Photography ~ Movies ~ Kind words ~ Smiles ~ Meditation and prayer ~ Dance - Art ~ Social activism ~ Websites - Blogs ~ Random acts of kindness...

We express ourselves in our own unique way, each with our own unique gifts and talents.

Be the change you want to see in the world.

That is the belief that fills our hearts.

We know it's the only way real transformation can take place.
We know that quietly and humbly we all have the power of the oceans combined

Our work is slow and meticulous. Like the formation of a giant mountain, invisible to the naked eye.

And yet with this loving change, entire tectonic plates shall be moved in the centuries to come.

Love is the new religion of the 21st century

You don't have to be a highly educated person or have any exceptional knowledge to understand it

Life changing love comes from the intelligence of the heart
Embedded in the timeless evolutionary pulse of all human beings.

Be the change you want to see in the world...

Nobody else can do it for you. We are now recruiting. Perhaps you will join us? Maybe you already have...

All are welcome

The door is open...

We Published Our First Unique Adult Speech Therapy Book!!

Yay! We have finally published our first unique adult speech therapy book - and it is so, so beautiful and professional (thanks Marilyn)!

I am particularly excited because as far as I know (and if you know different I would love to hear from you and perhaps we can help each other?...) this is the first speech therapy book - "What I Mean Is..." - for higher functioning adults with language challenges.

I'm so excited I don't know where to start!

• I want to tell you about the book itself...
  
• And about how it was written...
  
• About how it can be used...
• And about how quickly and 100% safely you can order it online...

I guess I'll start at the end... Which some would say is typical of me! I wanted to check out the company - www.Lulu.com - that's fulfilling the orders for the book for us and make sure they really are 100% reliable and that your credit card details are totally safe. I have been blown away by their integrity and professionalism - I'm delighted to say... Ordering the book was easy and quick and just over a week later (they sent me 2 emails meantime to let me know where they were in the fulfillment process) I received my book. As you can see it arrived in a cardboard package, firmly sealed inside in a protective bubble. Quick, easy, safe, guaranteed professional in every way...

This book can be used directly by clients with some help from either their own speech therapist, an occupational therapist or other rehabilitation therapist, a nurse or caregiver... If you or a loved one have suffered a stroke, chemobrain or another brain injury and need help expressing yourself fully and with ease, this book is for you. This book works best when there is a non-injured person working with the client - although I admit that I worked on parts of this book in the waiting room with the other brain injured patients in my group!

Hilary Dibben wrote "What I Mean Is" because there was no text book or workbook (other than for young kids) out there to help the thousands of us who can speak... But who are unable to express themselves in a way that is satisfying and meaningful to them. The technical name for us (I am part of this group) is the "higher functioning speech impaired" and we fall through the cracks when it comes to our need for therapy. Yes we can form words and ask for our basic needs. But we can't fully express all the thoughts in our minds. With help we can get better and there is hope that we can live as fully as we did before. We need to re-file and thousands of bits of information that have been exploded everywhere by our brain injuries. This book is the answer we've been waiting for.

"What I Mean Is..." started out as a collection of worksheets and gradually grew from there. The development of this book was completely in step with

• the needs of the client and
• what worked.
  

Simple but brilliant. The perfect book for me, the client - and it works.

I love this book! It's the one - or the contents are similar anyway - as the one I used myself in neuropsych-rehab at my local hospital. I had no idea that I had need of language therapy - I knew deep down that I had difficulties... But everyone else seemed to think I was 'good enough' and I was very happy not to rock the boat and have to admit that, in fact, I was not OK... Before this round of rehab no-one had every suggested that I seek out speech therapy. However as speech therapy was part of this neuropsych-rehab package - and not wanting to miss any potential improvements - I went to my first session with Hilary. Amazing! I had no idea and it was my brain... Here was a woman who knew what was going on inside my head when even I didn't!

The exercises here in "What I Mean Is..." seem simple. In reality they are very powerful. I've always been able to write my thoughts down... Now I can speak my thoughts too. And the best thing of all is that I can now see clearly what my difficulties are - which is the first step to healing and real improvement. Now I know what it is I need to re-learn. And how to do it.

Words and language is such an incredibly important part of 'me'... Thank you Hilary.

The Pitfalls of "Playing it Safe"

A Guest Blog

- by the Juggling Librarian...

The past past few years have been a roller-coaster ride for me. I was a normal, healthy, active student at university, studying fine arts and just discovering my strengths and femininity when a mysterious spinal cord infection hit. Suddenly I was plunged into a world of hospitals, wheelchairs, physiotherapists and neurologists.

I have a neuromuscular condition that causes severe weakness in my arms and legs. Since 2003, my limbs have become progressively weaker - to the point of near paralysis. After several rounds of intensive spinal cord rehabilitation, I learned how to walk again, despite a prognosis of never being able to do so. I continue to have ups and downs - periods where I cannot balance my weight and sometimes fall. These relapses often occur when I overextend myself - when I push myself too hard through work and exercise - or when my immune system is weakened with a virus or infection.

It is frightening not knowing when my legs will fail me. It seems reasonable to play it safe, and avoid situations that pose a risk to my health. Doctors and other health care professionals have encouraged me to stay at home and apply for disability benefits. It is tempting to heed this advice and avoid work and other activities that may compromise my physical health.

But that's not who I am. I am a risk-taker and constantly resist definitions of myself as a disabled individual. I am also stubbornly independent and strive to live a full and productive life despite my limitations. After losing the ability to walk, I went back to school and obtained a Masters degree. While undergoing rehabilitation for my legs, I continued to take graduate courses in library science - still allowing me to use my artistic abilities but a great and very sensible choice for a disability such as my own. After graduation, I moved to a new city and started working full-time in a job that I love. In my spare time, I attend ball and pilates classes - and help with ReBuildingYou. I am accomplished in my professional and personal life because I push myself.

After living with a neurological disorder for six years, I still haven't found the balance between playing it safe and engaging in the activities that I love. Sometimes it's a struggle making it to work, and walking through the building to my office. At the end of the day, I'm usually at the point of collapse - my legs stop working, and I require assistance with the simplest of tasks. Fortunately my reserve of energy is replenished after a good night's sleep!

Sometimes I wonder if overextending myself is self-destructive. Why do I feel compelled to to this? I constantly test the limits of my abilities by pushing myself to do more and more. I learned this strategy in spinal cord rehab (aka bootcamp), where the physiotherapists and occupational therapists worked my muscles to the point of exhaustion. I learned that a small degree of discomfort and pain is sometimes necessary to improve muscle strength and endurance.

At the same time, I understand the importance of nurturing myself. Hot baths, heating pads, and plenty of rest help to replenish my energy reserves. Every morning, afternoon, and evening, I close my eyes and consciously "check-in" with my body. If I push myself too much, my body will give me not-so-subtle cues to let me know that I have reached my limit. My legs become flaccid - like noodles - and the wall becomes my best friend.

As a person with a disability, I have discovered that the key to living a full and productive life is to frequently test my boundaries. I haven't yet learned how to strike a balance between maintaining physical health and engaging in work and play. My condition fluctuates over time, making it difficult to predict how my body will respond to different activities.

Testing my boundaries and not 'playing it safe' actually helps me and is an integral part of my rehabilitation because if I didn't do that, my limits - the imaginary safe-zone bubble that we all have around us - would continually shrink, day by day. I would achieve less and less and that would be contrary to living as full and productive life as possible... Which is something that everybody of every age deserves to try, regardless of ability.

Seasons of Emotional Pain followed by Amazing Joy

Seasons of Emotional Pain followed by Amazing Joy

With Valentines Day and talk of love, the last few days have been a time of difficult reflection for me. Several people I love very much are going through transitions in their lives - perhaps transformations. Particularly because I love them, I can't help but feel their pain. I was looking for a way to give them a little hope when I realized that no good friend - and certainly not a counsellor - can do that better than just by 'being there'. Quietly standing by their side while they experience what may well be a whole season of excruciating emotional pain.

Just love them and be there. Not an easy task...

Seems life is a bit like a series of seasons - which I know has been said so often it's almost a cliche... But, please don't surf away from this page yet. Hear me out... Could there be a bright side to the emotional pain you're in right now? I have a thought...

Spring is a time of birth and all things 'new' - and can (maybe 'should'?) last until your teens... Then, in an ideal world, an exciting summer proves beyond all reasonable doubt that life is just wonderful. Of course, this would be followed by a gentle fall with amazing colours and a sort of 'dormant' period of frozen winter relieved by some cheerful holidays. What a perfect life that would be...

Of course you've probably found out by now that life is rarely perfect... Rather than one life equalling one year of four seasons, you may experience several 'years' in one lifetime? And of course we never know in advance how our time will be paid out...

I'm not a fan of fall or winter but, in my stubborn experience, fighting it makes it seem more miserable and longer. Go with it: prepare for it: refasten the shutters when they blow open: ride it out. Wrap up warmly and snuggle in front of the fire with a hot chocolate - after shoveling the drive and stacking the firewood - and wait for spring which will come.

I have observed the same pattern applying with people's lives and I would be very interested to hear your story? A tough, unpleasant experience - which can last for months or even years - is followed by a beautiful spring, which is ever more fantastic with real self-growth. Followed by another summer. To bask in - and reflect on - that growth. Hmmm...

A reward that can make stormy weather worthwhile? I wonder. (I never felt that way at the time, that's for sure!)

Often the first fall is a real showstopper - a life changing illness or life event, perhaps? Sometimes people never really recover from their trauma. Or they might recover enough from the fall to get to the winter. And then spend their whole life in a relatively cold, dark place, afraid to take another step further, just in case they unleash the fury they've experienced before. They may experience the occasional winter storm but never again do they experience the warmth and joy of another spring and summer. Unless...

If you can find it in you to accept the fall (not your prognosis). Prepare and address the winter... If you can bear to hang on and really 'be' with whatever experiences you've had, then the next spring could be even more wonderful. And just imagine how beautiful that summer would be?

And if you're unlucky - or lucky? - enough to have to suffer through yet another fall and winter, I believe the following springs and summers are progressively breathtaking. This is what I've observed and I must admit I find myself almost embracing it.

Of course there are spring and summer storms too. Usually shorter. And warmer and lighter. Not lasting so long. Short and dramatic.

The second (and third?) springs and summers are there, ready to reward you for enduring painful autumns and hard winters. Wonderful, beyond description. Waiting for you to be able to trust and tolerate, explore and 'be with' your experience. When you're ready. At any time. It's never too late to transform an unspeakable fall into a beautiful spring.

Warmer, 'new', kinder seasons, just waiting to soothe your soul and heal your bruises.

With all these thoughts raging in my mind, I head to the beach. It's a cold day with a biting wind with tiny frozen haildust blowing in over a choppy sea. My dog looks at me as though I have finally lost my grip on reality, that I would walk in this weather? But I need to touch my wisdom tree and run my hand over her gnarls and black, almost fossilized, bark. She is my wise mentor who was wrenched out of the earth and blown violently down towards the sea... She hung on and hung on, eventually digging in, sprouting new roots and reaching toward the sun.

Never again will this tree stand in quite the same (vertical) way but she is magnificent in her new horizontal position. There are birds, busy hatching up among her leaves. New life and buds on her branches. I feel immediate peace and a kind of stillness when I stand under her canopy with my hand running over her bough.

Fall and winter only enhance her well weathered beauty now.

Getting to that 'good place' can be anything but easy...

Sometimes you see babies on TV whose faces look old and burdened and aged beyond their months or years. Trauma and hard times befell these tiny souls too soon. These are the precious babies who survive droughts and are left over from wars and only a mega-dose of love and nurturing can hope to restore these little lives.

On the other hand, I know the nicest older couple, who met whilst they were in their first Spring. I delight in reminiscing with them. Their life has been a long and beautiful first summer. With the odd summer storm. They walk the beach, daily, hand in hand. Life is still an Indian summer for them and I pray that it will go on endlessly.

For myself, my first spring was fair. I was healthy and strong, ready for a summer full of electric storms, longer and more dramatic than some. My first fall was stormy and colder than I expected. Winter was long and deep - in fact I had moved to Canada and my psyche, not realizing that all of Canada is not equally frozen, dug in and hibernated!

My second spring was a spring that can only be experienced in the far north, where the ice remains right up 'till summer. Summer was short. Very beautiful but short. During my second fall, my emotions were still living in Northern Canada, unaware that my body was slowly moving south. Eventually they caught up. Winter was shorter, despite the terrible fall, although there was one particularly nasty storm. My third spring is happening as we speak and is gentle and more lovely than I can describe, marred only by the feeling that I somehow need to fill every moment and cram in all that I missed while I was hibernating for years. I'm dealing with that illusion...

I never stop marveling at how life is experienced so differently by every one of us. And at how I can never guess what that experience might have been for someone until I truly listen to them.

My conclusion isn't really a conclusion... In that it's fluid and still evolving. Right now it seems to me as if there is no 'right way' - or wrong way - for life to be?

If you are incredibly lucky you could live your entire life in a first Spring and Summer. Or a 'textbook life' may follow the seasons of just one year? But in no way is any one way usual or 'normal'... I don't think there is a 'normal'?

Depending on what fate has planned for you, one thing seems certain: for every hard fall and winter you endure, the following spring and summer are ever more wonderful. They can be... If you let them. If you can bring yourself to trust... And, of couse, fall colours can be magnificently beautiful, followed by a crisp, clear winter.

As a mother I'm torn, wishing for a carefree and sunny life for my children. I cannot bear the idea - or reality - of them being in emotional pain. I hurt for them. I have to try and hold back because my instinct is to rush in and smother and give advice! I also find myself wishing for them the natural prize of sharper focus and deeper love that seems to follow a trauma well healed? More and more I see weathering storms as 'worthwhile'. I wonder what other ways there are to real personal growth? There must be other ways? If you have stories I would greatly value hearing them...

My heartfelt wish for all those in emotional pain - particularly those I love - is to hang on tight. Ride this violent roller coaster and know that it will come to a stop, eventually. Trust, deep in your soul, that the most beautiful spring and summer you can imagine are just around the corner. And know that those who love you, including me, are here whenever you need a hug.

You're right when you shout that you will never love this way again. Never...

First there is a tender young plant. Often just one bud. Which sometimes, very sadly, dies. And at that point the plant does look very bare. Winter can be long and hard - and often the best thing to do is to put your tender plant in a safe, dark place to rest and recover its strength. When the spring comes - and it will - new growth and new buds and a thicker, healthier plant will be there. A new 'you'. This is my experience.

With the warmest love,

Julie