To Your Good Health, Adele...

This week I said goodbye (hopefully just 'adieu') to the doctor who made the single biggest difference in my post-TBI life: Adele Hern. Adele was my neuropsychologist (hard to say 'was'...) and she was the first person - one of the very few - who truly understands what my post-TBI brain is like.

Most people assume that because I look fine, I am. Which is great and I appreciate the vote of confidence. Mostly...

But if I try to explain how life really is for me, people look at me strangely, as if they're trying to read between my words and find the joke or the catch. Then they tell me how everyone forgets things, especially them, and they tell me how lucky I am. It drives me crazy! I've never wanted other than to be as I was. Sometimes I need to reach out and tell someone how it is for me. Often they can't hear and mostly that's OK. Until Adele, I felt very alone.

Adele is an incredible woman and doctor. She has an uncanny knack of understanding exactly what's happening inside the neurologically damaged head, giving you back a priceless sense of belonging. Which is something I had long since given up on when I met her. What's more, I know that she has been able to give this same, amazing gift to many others.

The invisibly disabled often go through life being misunderstood and mistrusted - and generally squinted at - as if they're 'pulling a fast one'. For me, I eventually started to believe 'them' and mistrusted my own instincts...

Adele Hern gave me back 'myself'. One of the most precious gifts a person could receive.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Adele.

Meanwhile, enjoy sunsets on a beautiful beach (my idea of heaven!) with a Pina Colada and your husband close by your side.

With much love,
Julie

ps... If ever you find yourself at a loose end and tempted to 'come back' - even for a brief moment, please call me. I would love the opportunity to share ReBuildingYou with you in some way...

A Small Miracle

I walk on the beach with my dog and a mug of tea most mornings. This morning my face lit up as I watched a little girl - no more than a baby - picking dandelions and blowing off the seeds. She was totally delighted and sharing every puff and giggle with her young father - who was right there with her. Every single atom of her being was connected to her present moment and her delight. She looked as though she felt totally loved and safe and at peace. I watched her for a little while and imagine my pleasure when, as I eventually walked past her, she engaged me with clear eyes and shared her delight with me and showed me how to blow seeds off a dandelion clock!

What a wonderful gift. In that moment I saw the whole world through her eyes - I was 'one' with her. With my little girl inside me. With my mom. With my children. With every single one of us.

For me, those moments of newness and connection are so precious and are glimpses of the peace that we can recreate… ReBuild. Those moments are reminders to me of what I - we all? - forget when we 'grow up'...

Love of Life...

This morning when I was walking on the beach, the tide was out and the sand was completely washed clean and smooth. It reminded me of a brand new slate waiting for us to write our futures on it. All of us. And if we made a mistake we could start again. Guaranteed! The sun was shining, the sea was sparkling and I felt serene and full - I felt like the world was my oyster. I can't remember when I last felt so 'right' and confident in my life? It's been a while...

I try and 'walk my talk' and pay attention to balancing all the areas of my life and carefully noticing everything I do - especially now so I can write about it! However the price of not paying attention can be high...

After a severe trauma it's as though our very life shuts down. Everything is 'un-automatic' and seems rusted shut. Every step takes effort and when you want to do something simple - like smile at someone and say hi - you have to deliberately make sure that you stretch the corners of your mouth 'up', make your eyes smile and concentrate on forming the word 'Hi' with your lips and make your voice work. It's hard work! Every area of life has to be carefully tended and balanced. It's so tempting to stay home. To cut off from the world. Surely this is just too much effort?

NO! You may feel down and hopeless some days but please, dig deep in your soul, fire up your computer and just type one finger in front of the other. One day you realize that, while you weren't paying attention, life has become playful and joyful again. Just like that! (Well, after a ton of effort!)

A walk on the beach is no longer just a walk. Sure it's still walking on the sand for exercise and air - but now it's so much more too! It's balancing on logs; walking heel to toe and actually feeling like checking out my prints in the sand; pulling pure air deep into my lungs and smiling at the sun. I'm smiling naturally and saying Hi to fellow walkers - very aware that some may be aching or lonely or sad. And another thing - dogs now come up to me and stick their noses in my lap! For months they have avoided me?

Never forget that somehow this precious 'love of life' does come back. Be patient with yourself. Be persistent. It always comes back eventually. And it really is so worth the wait!

A moment of elation!

I wish I could slow down time. (Yeah, yeah, yeah...) Many ReBuilders (according to my OT, most of us) have a problem with speed and time and getting everything on our lists done. Time management. Our brains scheme and plan at the same rate as they did before they were injured. And like idiots we let our brains tell us what to do!

After twenty years I have still not managed to get it through to my brain that we HAVE to go a bit slower so 'I' can keep up. The result of this, need I say, is boring old fatigue. I always think though, that if I finally 'get there' - wherever 'there' is - it might just mean that 'the scary end' is right round the corner? And that's how I justify being out of sync... On the other hand, maybe I need to apply the same, clean 'parenting' principals that the books say I should try on my kids (rarely do I get that right either...) and tell my brain that 'now we will go slower'. And that's it. No argument. I'm the boss...

But back to the elation bit... I was delighted and very surprised on Friday to learn from my brilliant (I'm allowed to say that cos I'm English!) business coach that I might indeed have a good business idea after all! Yay!! I was just about to throw in the towel. All I need now is the energy to follow through on 'the big plan' (and finish it)... When I read it I can easily see 4 full-time jobs in there!

But... One step - and one stage - at a time. Slow down and breathe... Which is exactly what I want for my clients sometimes? Funny that... I wonder if it's boringly obvious to everyone else? I find it very difficult to take my own advice! Building a business really is similar to ReBuilding your life - in so many 'practical' ways.

Just totally different...

As my sweetheart mum - and our good friend Vahan in the 70's - would say "Take it easy. But take it!"

Have a yellow-daffodils-blowing-in-the-breeze-and-chocolate-filled-Easter... I love this time of year!

Aha...

Going into any 'new' area -- in this case for me, business and the internet -- is always littered with booby-traps, buzz words and thick tangled undergrowth. After just a week of picking my way carefully through it, I'm exhausted. It seems so complicated... I work hard and write reams of what I think is great-sounding stuff... Just to find I'm barely passing go.

Every time I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror I see this zombie-in-the-headlights staring back at me. Forging new pathways for anyone, anytime, is uncomfortable, terrifying, tortuous, humiliating, humbling, sheer bloody hard work...

Wow...

I'd been 'comfortable' for too long... This is (nowhere near, really) what it must be like for my clients. This may be my comfort zone now (counselling, coaching). But when you're in the middle of 'change', it's pure hell. My clients probably see a stunned, strange person staring back at them too when they look into the mirror...

Being out of my comfort zone is like being blindfolded and spun round and around, a hundred times, and then plunged repeatedly into cold water. I really get it now: why it's so important that I try to create a nice comfy, cozy nest at work. Otherwise my clients would never feel safe enough to peek over the covers and take their next, tentative stretch.

A soft, warm blanket and a gentle hug would be welcome right about now...

Thank you Reger. For reminding me.

(And I hope you're listening. Doing your market research...)